Dear self, susuko ka na nga ba?

This was an intended blog post way back  1st sem, First year (2015) in Law school. I didn’t remember I have this one until I saw it saved in my google drive.

“See you next year sa Crim law 1 take 2!” Patawa na sabi namin sa isa’t-isa pagkatapos ng final exam namin sa Criminal Law 1. Itinawa na lang namin ang problema na tila hinampas sa amin sa harap pero todo deny parin kami. Oo, pinilit namin na idaan lahat sa biro kahit deep inside nakakapanghihinayang at napakasakit.

Masakit. Masakit ang bumagsak for the first time in my 21 years of existence. Nakakapanibago dahil naipasa ko nga ang first board exam ng psychometrician na wala kaming ideya sa lalabas pero ang criminal law 1 na isang semester pinag-aralan namin pero hindi ko parin nagawang ipasa kahit sa midterms man lang at sigurado ako na hindi ko rin naipasa ang final exam.

Saan nga ba ako nagkulang?

Kung mas pinag-igihan ko pa kaya ang pagmemorize ng provisions baka naipasa ko? O di kaya, kung mas sinaulo ko pa ang mga ganap  at dinigest ng maayos  ang  assign cases, naitawid ko kaya? O kung nag volunteer ako sa recitations sa mga pagkakataon na pwede mag volunteer?

Aminado naman ako nagkulang ako. Ayoko sisihin si Judge kung bakit ganyan kahirap ang exams niya. Sabi nga niya, “Walang personalan.” Tama naman siya. Kaya hindi ko siya sinisisi sa problema na ako lang ang may alam kung paano makabawi.

Ang tanong, Kaya ko pa ba? Dear Self, susuko ka na ba?

Ang isang tanong na tila bumabagabag simula nang na-feel ko ang lahat ng hirap sa Law school. Akala ko madali, akala ko pwede na ang efforts ko pero hindi pa pala. Isang maling akala. Wala naman kasi nagsabi sa akin na mahirap maitawid ang lahat ng ganap sa law school. Sobrang hirap na tila gusto mo na mag withdraw right at that moment pero hindi ko ginawa.

Hindi ako masochista para mag enjoy na masaktan at lalong lalo hindi ako sadista na gusto manakit. Isa lang akong simpleng babae na may pangarap maging isang tanyag na abogada.

I know that studying law wouldn’t be easy like a piece of cake. And I admit truly that my best wasn’t good enough.

At ang bumagsak sa isang subject ay hindi na panibago.

Alam niyo yung feeling na naibigay mo na ang lahat pero hindi parin sapat? Yan ang nafefeel ko kapag nag aaral ako sa criminal law. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nahihirapan ako. Naging madali naman ang PERSONS at CONSTI LAW 1 pero pagdating sa Crim hindi ko magawa.

Pero kahit ganun, patuloy parin ang buhay.

Aminado naman kasi ako na nagkulang ako sa unang semester sa law school. Ang efforts ko ay pang mediocre at ito ang naging puno’t dulo ng pagkakamali ko. Sana ay naitama ko na mas maaga pero hindi eh, hinayaan ko lang at pinagsisihan ko. I intended to lose my hope and passively give up when I know I’m losing. Nasaan na ba ang babae na palaban noon? Nasaan na ba ang babae who enrolled Organic Chemistry section for chemistry majors and manage to survived? Nasaan na ba ako sa punto ng buhay ko?

xxx

After two years, andito parin ako sa Law school, fighting to third year irregular status. Same school pa din and felt relieved that I survived one of the hardest semester that I had after the time this post was intended. I also manage to passed all my criminal law subjects. One take na ako sa criminal law 2. I learned from my mistake and brave enough to try again. Naisip ko nga if I quit, nasaan na nga ako ngayon? Pagsisihan ko rin ba na hindi ako nagpatuloy?

Pahirap ng pahirap na ang law school but andito parin ako, nagpakatatag para sa pamilya ko at para sa bayan. I know this is my destiny. It is just a matter of time when will this destiny be fulfilled. Definitely, it will be on God’s perfect time. This law school setbacks is a preparation for a major comeback that you will emerged victorious.

May random moments na naiisip ko ang panghihinayang sa pagkakataon na sinayang ko. But I always believe in everything happens for a reason and we always have our perfect time. Hindi man yan ngayon pero alam mo na dadarating yan. We have our own moments of “breakdown to breakthrough”. And this is the reason why I keep going with this destiny.

As Howie Day’s Collide song goes, “Even the best fall down sometimes”. It made me realize that for once, it is okay to fail and learn from it. Kailan ba naging krimen ang bumagsak? Kailan ba naging bawal ang failures sa buhay? What is important is we learn from it and work harder.

Lalaban ako para sa pangarap, para sa pamilya, at para sa bayan.

xxx

To the one reading this:

If you’re one of the people who criticized me and my family since then and still do, you don’t have the right to judge me of my failures because first and foremost, you have your own set of failures. Second, you won’t have to lived my life and take that as a relief than a losing bet. Lastly, who are you to judged me in the midst of your imperfect life?

Don’t worry, I acknowledge my own failures and strive hard to be a better version of myself. If my failure gives you entertainment and a gossip worth-telling to the world, you are free to do so but remember, I won’t give you the benefit to enjoy my misery. I’m still going to fight for my dreams and emerge victorious. Just watch me in proving you wrong.  I’m quoting Miss Philippines Universe 2016, Maxine Medina’s message to her bashers, “3 words to my bashers: I love you”.

Movie Review: Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa ( The Story of us that never was) by Nestor Abrogena

Before I gonna give my review on this movie, I just wanna say that I’m so excited writing this one like super duper excited. HAHAHA. KTNXBYE. 

 

From one of the scenes of the movie. (Ctto)

The movie is about a young film maker and an aspiring writer who struggle to make something out of their relationship. In a world of cliché romantic stories, dramatic heartbreaks and almost love affairs , what makes a bond between two people different, unique and special? Is it the happy ending that matters or is it the journey that makes the entire experience worth all the pain? (Source: Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa Facebook Page)

When I saw the trailer of this film months ago, I was really intrigued what it is all about. The title “Ang Kwento Nating Dalawa” itself shouts mystery and it made me think possible cliché story scenarios running at the back of my mind until I watched the film one day and boom ~the feels bes! Tagos sa heart at buto~.

Personally, I was blown away by the film itself. I love everything about it. A lot of people commented about scenes that are quite dragging the story line but I have no issues about that. I love how this film speaks emotions even if there’s no dialogues being said by the lead characters to each other. It is truly an action speaks louder than words.

When I read blog reviews, I was amazed that the train scene (please see the photo above) was shot discreetly. I never expect that the camera was hidden inside the bag but the outcome, just wow. I could not put words into it and I’m aware that I’m exaggerating.

Cinematography wise, the team behind this film did a job well done.

Movie soundtrack is superb. I love how they use OPM songs that are really unique and it made me listen to it over and over again (courtesy of youtube). The songs are wisely chosen and it is something that gives more suave to the film. Walang Hanggan by Quest, Hanggang Kailan Kita Mahihintay by Paolo Valenciano, and Minahal Kita by Juliane are my personal favorites. The feels. I feel like listening to spoken words.

Movie Scenes. My personal favorite is the taxi ride of Isa and Sam going to Isa’s apartment. It speaks emotions even the silence itself speaks emotions. Quotang-quota sa feels talaga eh.

Movie Lines. A film of few words but speaks volumes. Below is my favorite line of the movie:

“Mahal mo?” 

“Oo”

“Mahal ka?”

“Siguro”

Characters. I love the chemistry of Nicco Manalo and Emmanuelle Vera. Kudos to these two for portraying the characters of Isa and Sam very well.

Story line. I don’t want to spoil anything to those who haven’t watch it but all I can say, this is not your typical love story. The twist is mind blowing.

Overall impression. great movie for those who want to watch films that conveys a lot of emotions. Highly recommended.

For information about movie screenings and whereabouts, click here.

P.S. There is a sequel of this film entitled Tayo sa Huling Buwan ng Taon showing later this year.

Movie Review: Bubog (Crystals) by Arlyn Dela Cruz

 

I was one of the lucky ones who watched the CDO Screening of the movie “Bubog” directed by Arlyn Dela Cruz last May 10, 2017 at Gaisano Cinema 3.

The theme of the movie is the controversial war against drugs in the Philippines where the number of extrajudicial killings increase day by day. The movie itself focus on the most affected citizens of the country, the ones under the poverty line or the poor.

My reaction after I watched the movie as posted in my facebook account last May 10, 2017:

“One word: Intriguing. In the midst of the war against drugs in PH, the film “Bubog” (Crystals) shows us the picture of the most affected citizens in our country (the people living in poverty). How can we champion the war of drugs if there’s still an increasing number of deaths without justice? I’ve read it somewhere that in war, there’s no one winning because both parties have casualties. And It is something that we should think about. Is justice serve in the hands of these killers or is it in the due process of law?”

What I really liked about this film is the fact that it does not only gives us a good quality film but it also educate us how the war of drugs affects the poor and the society as a whole. And this is something that should not be taken for granted when you watch the film. It does not only focus to one person but the story revolves to different characters from the highest official of the land up to the youngest casualty of this controversial fight of the government. Different stories but interrelated. It give us the glimpse of what happens on the streets and the story behind of every character shedding light to the question of “why they continue to do it even if they know it is prohibited”.

The film also shows the cause and effect of the war against drugs and the undeniable increasing rate of the victims of extrajudicial killings. It is something that should not be taken for granted considering the bloodshed of innocent lives due to mistaken identities and the generalization of every death to the infamous placard of “wag tularan, adik ako”.

This film is dressed like a silent assassin slaying the defects in the midst of the war against drugs and it is up to us now to answer the issue: whether or not the current war against drugs in the country is the solution to end the drug trade and activities?

Going through the technicalities of the film, all I can say it is not that well-polish but the story line itself is clear enough of what message it wants to convey to its viewers. There are some  unclear parts of the film especially in exchanging dialogues but nevertheless, as a whole, it gives a clear picture of the situation of the people in or below the poverty line who engaged to drugs as a living or the point of view of the key players of the war against drugs. And I love how natural the characters acting especially on how they portray extreme emotions. It was really well-portrayed.

Overall, it is really a good and must watch film. Personally, I highly recommend it.

Click here for the trailer of the film BUBOG by Arlyn Dela Cruz.

You can also check their Facebook page for screening announcement in the cinemas near you.

The journey towards healing

via Daily Prompt: Heal

In my 22 years of existence, I have my fair share of heart breaks, frustrations and failures and even broken relationship with friends. They said that time heals all wounds but does it really heal throughout time?

I want to share this post to you why is it important for acceptance and moving forward in the journey towards healing.

When we feel sad because of  a heart break, frustration, failure or whatever reason it is, we tend to self-pity and asked of ‘what-ifs’. We tend to drown ourselves in the melancholic waters to the extent of not saving ourselves from drowning. We tend to commit mistakes and we feel helpless and feel like its the dead end. A lot of times, I experience that one and it haunt me anytime and anywhere.

Happenings like this can cause serious problems like depression and I tell you it will never be easy especially if you feel there’s no one there for you even someone who can listen to your thoughts that builds up inside. It can affect other aspects of your life.

If physical pain can heal through time, why can’t emotional and mental stress? because of the reason that the greatest challenge to overcome to heal is yourself.  It’s easy for some to say that you’ll get through it but healing does not happened overnight nor does it happened through time. Healing happens when you open yourself to acceptance and the possibility of moving forward and start anew. However, not everyone has the strength to take this step. And because of that, we have to be their support system for them to heal and start a new life.

In time for World Mental Health Celebration, let’s take a step to stop the stigma and helped them in their journey towards healing. Depression is not a feeling but it is a serious problem. Let’s talk to them and listen. In our own little way, we can be their support system. We can help to heal and start a new life. We will not make fun with their illness but we will open our mind to learn about it. Its time for us to make a stand for them and be on their side. Healing is not an easy process. And it is through our support that will help them towards the journey to heal.

To talk and understand can make a difference. As what Dr. Gia Sison tweeted “Never underestimate the power of your two ears alongside the sense of hearing and the gift of understanding. We all need it. #LetsTalk”

REVIEW: L.A. Girl Matte Flat Finish Pigment Gloss

This is my first time doing a product review and I don’t know what’s going to happen in this post HAHAHAHA So, here it goes…

Caveat: I’m not a makeup pro. I’m still learning how to buy the right product for myself and to apply makeup.

In this post, I’m going to share my experience using L.A. Girl Matte Flat Finish Pigment Gloss for months now. I actually got this as my 22nd birthday present from my law school barkada (means group of friends in Filipino). So, I have absolutely no idea that it existed until I received it as a gift (I already mention that I’m no professional on this aspect).

According to its website , L.A. Girl Matte Flat Finish Pigment Gloss have 16 bold shades that provide rich and intense color in a flat finish for all day wear. The long wearing formula goes on as a highly pigmented liquid and dries to a flat matte finish, for a gorgeous velvety perfection that last and lasts.

Since its my first time using a matte gloss, I had a hard time getting use to it. I even have no idea what shade my friends gave to me. I guess the first one is the Fantasy shade while the second one is either Timeless/Frisky (correct me if I’m wrong with my guessing game of what shades I have on hand) .

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Closer look of my two L.A. Girl Matte Flat Finish Pigment Gloss

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I love the container ❤

Nowadays, matte finish gloss or lipsticks is a must for ready to go and conquer the day for girls in all ages. Honestly, I only discovered matte finish component when I got into law school.

How to apply?

According to their website, “Apply a thin coat evenly on lips and let dry. Re-apply as desired. Formula is fast drying and long wearing. To remove lipgloss, use an oil based makeup remover.”

How I apply? First of I apply my Careline Lip Balm Strawberry to somehow moisturize my lips before applying either of the two L.A. Girl Matte Gloss I have on hand. It depends on my mood which of the two I’m using. I haven’t tried mixing the two though. Another substitute as your base is petroleum jelly which I haven’t tried yet. If you directly apply the L.A Girl Matte Gloss, your lips became dry and chappy (I tried it once guys. The first time I used it).

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Swatches of the two L.A. Girl Matte Gloss. The upper one is Fantasy and the lower is either timeless or frisky. The container doesn’t state what shade it is so I’m continually on a guessing game but I’m pretty about the Fantasy shade though.

 

What I love about this product, it is literally ultra-matte that can last up to 24 hours without swiping another coat or retouching it. When I started my day by 10 am in the morning and ended by 10 pm in the evening, I still have my matte gloss on and remain on my lips.  So more or less, 12 hours and I’m still good to go with this lippie. No retouch needed.

The down part (may be its not a down part to some girls out there), it stains to whatever I’m eating, the utensils and the glass I’m using and because its ultra matte, I have a hard time removing it.

About whether it is light weight or not in the lips, I think its just light weight enough when you’re getting used to it wearing matte liquid lipstick but for beginners, its sticky but you gotta love the flat finish.

This is a great lippie for busy girls like me and I definitely going to recommend this one and give this lippie a go signal.  If given a chance to try a new shade, I would definitely go with it. I think I have to ask my friends where they bought this one and how much.

Overall, I’ll give this 3 out of 5. Its actually a good lippie but I’m still having a hard time with its applicator.

Share me some thoughts about this lippie below 🙂

Love,

Mary Louisse

Denial Stage: Are you really okay?

Denial

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

I’ve been asked by this question a lot of times from different people that I always answered it with a “Yes. I’m okay” like a broken mixtape that keeps repeating over and over again. But deep inside of me, am I really okay? or Am I just in denial that I’m not okay?

They said, “Its okay not to be okay”;

I said ,”Does it really matter if you’re okay or not?”

I’ve been dodging everything and act like it never exist. I am in denial. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Why continue to deny the fact that you’re in denial? I’ve been showing to them a reassuring smile convincing them that I’m okay but the truth is, I’m screaming in frustration in the inside. Such smile is only a facade to keep them away from all my life dramas that can be too shallow to them.

I am in denial for the fact that I’ve been living in the life of 20’s where I’m too old to play but too young to make decisions. Its actually crazy living up to their expectations while forgetting yourself in the process.

I’ve been denying the fact of every night where I’m all alone in my room thinking if there’s a silver lining of all these doubts and fears that I felt or thinking that I’m just overthinking the things in front of me.

Who am I to say I’m okay when I’m still convincing myself that I truly am?

Denials.

Denials.

It is made of small things piling up ’til it creates a volcano from the foundation full of doubts and fears . Would I still say “I’m okay”  even if I’m about to burst from everything?

Would I be the heroine who needs to be a hero of her own self?

Or am I just a girl who writes her own story to make herself feel better?

Or I’m just in the denial stage where I’m still believe the consolation that gives me assurance?

Breathe in, self; You never learn your lesson even if it was taught in the hard way.

I guess some lessons are left unlearn even if taught in the hardest way.

But you can’t blame yourself nor somebody else for some circumstances are left unsolved and unsaid, like your respond “I’m okay” but clouded of doubts and questions left unanswered.

Maybe its just the way it is.

Maybe some things are better left in the shadows for you to lurk into.

Maybe its all in my mind.

Denial can be good or bad, it’s up to you to draw the line.

The CSR dream to Law School

You might be wondering about the title and ask out of nowhere,”what is she talking about?” For once, I had to disclosed a part of myself that was left buried for a longest time. Even my parents never knew about this (Mom, Dad, if you’re reading my blog please read ’til the end).

Yes. I dreamed to be a courtside reporter like the ones in UAAP or PBA games. The kind of job that is both tiring and thrilling. Reporting about the game and learning a thing or two from it is something I wanted. Some might think that my dream is too shallow for a girl who always been competitive and superior. For me, it’s one of the most challenging job a person can have. Reporting live is no joke. You can’t redo if you’ll mistakenly said a word. It’s always be a show must go on hyped.

I have high respect from all the people working as journalist, may it be in media or press. All my life I’ve been exposed how journalist does for a living. Being a daughter of one of the most respected journalist in town is something that I’m proud of.

Growing up to a family who are basketball fans, watching the games is something that I really enjoy the most. Now that I’m old enough, cheering for a rival school community isn’t an issue for me. Who cares if I cheer and support the white, gold and black? Anyway, going back to where I left off, it is one of my dreams to venture into journalism may it be on TV or writing.

But life has another idea for me and that’s law school.

Law school happened to the girl who dreamed to become a courtside reporter. Somehow the thrill is the same with being a csr since you can’t redo what you answered during recitations but you can however justify it when there’s a follow-up question.

I’m not regretting that I’m in lawschool now instead of chasing my dream to become a courtside reporter. I know that everything happens for a purpose. I may not be a courtside reporter who delivers reports about the game but sooner, I’ll be the person who will stand to defend a person of his right. I’m happy where I am now despite the stressed and sleepless nights. This blogpost will remind me that for once, I wanted to be a courtside reporter but life has greater opportunity and that is to become a lawyer and advocate for social justice. 🙂

[photo credits to the owner featuring one of my favorite UAAP courtside reporter of UST Kristelle Batchelor who happens to be a writer as well]