How many times I wanted to break down and cry?
How many times I wanted to walk away and leave everything from behind?
How many times I wanted to quit?
How many times I wanted to just give up and don’t give a shit in everything?
How many times I wanted to let go?
How many times I failed?
Countless. Countless of times. It goes beyond from all these questions the thing that I wanted to do when I caught up in a situation that is unfavorable in me. I easily get troubled and wonder what I am doing with it and the lack thereof. I’ve been questioning my worth every single time when I know that I’ve give everything yet it was never enough. I can’t count using my fingers the times I’ve given up and isolated myself or diverted my attention away from it but what’s hard about it? I always found myself pick up the pieces and start all over again from square one. It’s infuriating and confusing the same time when I redo the whole process again. If only I can knock some sense in my sense then maybe, just maybe, it will understand not to go over the things and situations that cause me too much pain. But sadly, it didn’t. I even come to a point that I asked myself if was I a masochist to inflict the pain all over again or was I just plain stupid to go again for the second time around.
All of a sudden I realize something that change my perspective forever. It only take me time to realize to know myself deeply more than just the girl who wanted to be beauty and brains with a heart. I know deep inside I was born not to quit from anything as long as I can still fight and hold my ground. Those times I walked away mistaken me from giving up but I only take a break to breathe before starting it over again. After all, I can’t just give up and act like nothing happened. Everything cost a part or pieces of myself. Throwing something away from it might not make me a less worthy but still a less of me. Every failure and mistake took part on building the person that I am today. I learn every single day about myself and still be amaze to know more.
Everything boils down to one word: HOPE.
The fact that I still never completely walked away from those countless of times of self-doubt made hold on to a string of hope that I can still do better with it even if its a worst case scenario. Hope brings color and light when everything seems to be getting a bit of dull and black. It is hope that made me an optimist in everything. And hope brings back the faith to myself that I can be better even if I’m in worst.
Lastly, hope reminds me of God’s grace that everything will be alright and good as new if I put my trust in Him. He is God and He is Hope. After all, everything happens according to His purpose.
When a door closes, a new door opens again like hope reminding it is not yet the end of it.
Move forward, know yourself more and trust Our God because when there is a string of hope, there will be faith. May this blog post be a start of a journey to hope and have faith not just with ourselves but also to others and most importantly, to God. Let’s take a step together as I continue to seek for self-growth in both mentally and spiritually. I hope this will serve as an inspiration to continue to move forward and love yourself.