“Are you sure you’re okay?”
I’ve been asked by this question a lot of times from different people that I always answered it with a “Yes. I’m okay” like a broken mixtape that keeps repeating over and over again. But deep inside of me, am I really okay? or Am I just in denial that I’m not okay?
They said, “Its okay not to be okay”;
I said ,”Does it really matter if you’re okay or not?”
I’ve been dodging everything and act like it never exist. I am in denial. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.
Why continue to deny the fact that you’re in denial? I’ve been showing to them a reassuring smile convincing them that I’m okay but the truth is, I’m screaming in frustration in the inside. Such smile is only a facade to keep them away from all my life dramas that can be too shallow to them.
I am in denial for the fact that I’ve been living in the life of 20’s where I’m too old to play but too young to make decisions. Its actually crazy living up to their expectations while forgetting yourself in the process.
I’ve been denying the fact of every night where I’m all alone in my room thinking if there’s a silver lining of all these doubts and fears that I felt or thinking that I’m just overthinking the things in front of me.
Who am I to say I’m okay when I’m still convincing myself that I truly am?
It is made of small things piling up ’til it creates a volcano from the foundation full of doubts and fears . Would I still say “I’m okay” even if I’m about to burst from everything?
Would I be the heroine who needs to be a hero of her own self?
Or am I just a girl who writes her own story to make herself feel better?
Or I’m just in the denial stage where I’m still believe the consolation that gives me assurance?
Breathe in, self; You never learn your lesson even if it was taught in the hard way.
I guess some lessons are left unlearn even if taught in the hardest way.
But you can’t blame yourself nor somebody else for some circumstances are left unsolved and unsaid, like your respond “I’m okay” but clouded of doubts and questions left unanswered.
Maybe its just the way it is.
Maybe some things are better left in the shadows for you to lurk into.
Maybe its all in my mind.
Denial can be good or bad, it’s up to you to draw the line.