The journey towards healing

via Daily Prompt: Heal

In my 22 years of existence, I have my fair share of heart breaks, frustrations and failures and even broken relationship with friends. They said that time heals all wounds but does it really heal throughout time?

I want to share this post to you why is it important for acceptance and moving forward in the journey towards healing.

When we feel sad because of  a heart break, frustration, failure or whatever reason it is, we tend to self-pity and asked of ‘what-ifs’. We tend to drown ourselves in the melancholic waters to the extent of not saving ourselves from drowning. We tend to commit mistakes and we feel helpless and feel like its the dead end. A lot of times, I experience that one and it haunt me anytime and anywhere.

Happenings like this can cause serious problems like depression and I tell you it will never be easy especially if you feel there’s no one there for you even someone who can listen to your thoughts that builds up inside. It can affect other aspects of your life.

If physical pain can heal through time, why can’t emotional and mental stress? because of the reason that the greatest challenge to overcome to heal is yourself.  It’s easy for some to say that you’ll get through it but healing does not happened overnight nor does it happened through time. Healing happens when you open yourself to acceptance and the possibility of moving forward and start anew. However, not everyone has the strength to take this step. And because of that, we have to be their support system for them to heal and start a new life.

In time for World Mental Health Celebration, let’s take a step to stop the stigma and helped them in their journey towards healing. Depression is not a feeling but it is a serious problem. Let’s talk to them and listen. In our own little way, we can be their support system. We can help to heal and start a new life. We will not make fun with their illness but we will open our mind to learn about it. Its time for us to make a stand for them and be on their side. Healing is not an easy process. And it is through our support that will help them towards the journey to heal.

To talk and understand can make a difference. As what Dr. Gia Sison tweeted “Never underestimate the power of your two ears alongside the sense of hearing and the gift of understanding. We all need it. #LetsTalk”

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Denial Stage: Are you really okay?

Denial

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

I’ve been asked by this question a lot of times from different people that I always answered it with a “Yes. I’m okay” like a broken mixtape that keeps repeating over and over again. But deep inside of me, am I really okay? or Am I just in denial that I’m not okay?

They said, “Its okay not to be okay”;

I said ,”Does it really matter if you’re okay or not?”

I’ve been dodging everything and act like it never exist. I am in denial. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Why continue to deny the fact that you’re in denial? I’ve been showing to them a reassuring smile convincing them that I’m okay but the truth is, I’m screaming in frustration in the inside. Such smile is only a facade to keep them away from all my life dramas that can be too shallow to them.

I am in denial for the fact that I’ve been living in the life of 20’s where I’m too old to play but too young to make decisions. Its actually crazy living up to their expectations while forgetting yourself in the process.

I’ve been denying the fact of every night where I’m all alone in my room thinking if there’s a silver lining of all these doubts and fears that I felt or thinking that I’m just overthinking the things in front of me.

Who am I to say I’m okay when I’m still convincing myself that I truly am?

Denials.

Denials.

It is made of small things piling up ’til it creates a volcano from the foundation full of doubts and fears . Would I still say “I’m okay”  even if I’m about to burst from everything?

Would I be the heroine who needs to be a hero of her own self?

Or am I just a girl who writes her own story to make herself feel better?

Or I’m just in the denial stage where I’m still believe the consolation that gives me assurance?

Breathe in, self; You never learn your lesson even if it was taught in the hard way.

I guess some lessons are left unlearn even if taught in the hardest way.

But you can’t blame yourself nor somebody else for some circumstances are left unsolved and unsaid, like your respond “I’m okay” but clouded of doubts and questions left unanswered.

Maybe its just the way it is.

Maybe some things are better left in the shadows for you to lurk into.

Maybe its all in my mind.

Denial can be good or bad, it’s up to you to draw the line.

Be the base yourself

Base

When I checked my email for today’s prompt “base”, one word comes to my mind: support. It made me thing of writing this prompt for my blog revamp where I wanted to share my life experience or something to encourage others for self-importance.

These past few days, it is really hard for me to stay calm and at peace. I’ve been thinking a lot of ‘what-ifs’ and it just fuels the anxiety that I’m feeling within. I’ve been starting to doubt myself if I survive the first semester without flunking a subject. I’m on my second year now in law school though my status is an irregular student. Currently, I’m a full time student where I depend fully to my parents for my expenses but sometimes I do freelance jobs like writing or family court inventory that only last for two weeks which somehow support some of my expenses. Right now, I’m applying as a paralegal in a law firm where their legal staffs are law students. Everything seems hard these past few days and I can’t help not to overthink things. It’s like I’m overthinking the overthinking and it doesn’t make sense. I’m doubting myself and it’s not beautiful but toxic.

Lately, I’ve been reading non-law books and blog posts just to take my mind off from things that’s stressing me. I realize that it is up to me now to stand on my own. What’s peer support if you refused to support yourself? We need to be our own base to stay strong in whatever challenges this life may bring. Everything doesn’t comes easy and not worth it in the end. We have to sacrifice a lot of things just to reach our goals but throughout these journey, you can’t lose yourself. You have to believe in you. No matter how flawed you are or how crazy the consequences you are facing right now because of one mistake. Life does not stop to go on because of these circumstances. It always go on and on even if you’re not ready to face life again. If there’s anyone out there who thinks that yourself is never enough, think again my dear friend. Always remember that you’re enough. Mistakes or failures doesn’t define ourselves. Flunking a subject doesn’t define yourself. I, pesonally, think that failure is a lesson for me to learn and apply in circumstances ahead of me. Failure made me stronger and strive hard to be better than before but I never let it define who I am. It is only a stumble block to remind us that we can do more than what we do. There is more room to grow and be the best version of yourself.

Never ever give up and lose hope. Losing hope means we lose our trust to God. We need to keep our faith in Him. Remember the verse in Philippians 4:13? “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.

Before ending this prompt, always remember to be your own base. Support system from our family and friends are not enough if we don’t support our self. It will make a huge difference if we will be the base of our own. Self acceptance is the key.

Beautifully Unfinished

via Daily Prompt: Unfinished

Sometimes, words are better left unsaid. Is it the same with things be better left unfinished?

Do you wonder why things never goes in your way even if how many times you tried manipulating it?

They’d said it takes 20 seconds of craziness and it will make a difference. Is it even possible? Was it even possible? Just like how the two sides of the coin says otherwise.

A lot of times I’ve tried manipulating situations in front of me just to make it favorable by all means. But even if I tried so hard, it eventually goes out of hand like how lightness of a feather slips in your fingers.

Many times I chase over time and defy gravity but still it will never be favorable in my end. Where did I gone wrong? Following the flow is definitely not easy as counting 1, 2, 3.

I tried. Every single time. But it will never make sense.

How many times I’ve tried starting a conversation but it wasn’t enough to start a fire. It wasn’t enough to make us friends. From the start, it is meant to be forever stuck in “just acquaintance”. Building friendship with you is an elusive dream just like starting a conversation over coffee. Maybe it’s meant to be like that. Or maybe we’re just two people that are victims of society’s social construct that a girl and a boy can never stay as “just friends” without one of them secretly and unconsciously falling in love with the other.

Funny how the so called destiny well played its cards in our birth names that somewhat related. I find it amusing though because there’s a tiny connection between you and me but I’m hoping that you find it amusing too or was it reality going to tell me you didn’t notice?  Slapping the truth hurts. Maybe you just never cared about me or anything that can associate you and me. Maybe I’m just a random girl whom you got to be with in classes or school activities. Maybe I’m just a girl who had a crush on you and that’s it, end of story. Maybe I’m just nobody. Yes, nobody that you will never care.

Maybe in different circumstances, things will not be the same just like how it should be in a parallel universe.

Maybe I should put it this way, “Once upon a time, there’s a girl who admires a guy who never notice her even a single glance…”.  Left it hanging. Left it unfinished. Because a part of me wishes that someday it will be continued in another chapter where tables might be turn. A wishful thinking that remains to be a “what-if”.

Maybe, just maybe, things are better this way in this universe where everything about you and me starts without an end. A thing called “Beautiful Unfinished”.

 

 

The Other Pensive Girl

Pensive

In my 21 years (turning 22 this August) of existence, I had my fair share of being extremely giddy and extremely pensive. Life has been actually good to me because I have a wonderful family and they’re very supportive in me pursuing a professional (law) degree. And it’s something that is wonderful than I could think of.

Despite of being extremely blessed of having a wonderful family, I still have the feeling of being pensive. Not because I’m not contented (that is what I think) but because I feel I can be more being just an obedient daughter. I want to try new things and burn the ‘what-ifs’ inside my head without losing my principles. I’m aware that I’m socially awkward or deviant in the crowd than I’m into but I try to mingle and blend in without drowning myself to their standards. I wanted to be a woman in action and inspire the youth that they can live a life the way they wanted without breaking the rules. I want to embody the attitude of a Global Filipina who is empowered to show the world that she can be confident without losing her morals and principles.

I know that I’m confident but it is not enough for me to step up and shine uniquely. They’ve said I’m brave and bold but deep inside I keep questioning myself I truly embody that qualities. And that made me feel pensive and helpless. I don’t know why I’m not confident enough to step up without doubting myself and minding what others think.

I want to grow and be brave, bold and beautiful. I want to step outside my box and bring out the best of me. I want to totally eliminate the pensive feeling and thoughts when I lay down in my bed and having 2 am thoughts.

I want to be me and be able to inspire others that it’s okay to step up without your principles holding you back. They can still go hand and hand. All I wanted is to make most out of life and what God has given me. I may not be the smartest girl or a girl who learns to sing or dance but I want to be a girl to prove to the world that I have the talent to inspire others by being me.

A string of hope makes faith

Hope

How many times I wanted to break down and cry?
How many times I wanted to walk away and leave everything from behind?
How many times I wanted to quit?
How many times I wanted to just give up and don’t give a shit in everything?
How many times I wanted to let go?
How many times I failed?

Countless. Countless of times. It goes beyond from all these questions the thing that I wanted to do when I caught up in a situation that is unfavorable in me. I easily get troubled and wonder what I am doing with it and the lack thereof. I’ve been questioning my worth every single time when I know that I’ve give everything yet it was never enough. I can’t count using my fingers the times I’ve given up and isolated myself or diverted my attention away from it but what’s hard about it? I always found myself pick up the pieces and start all over again from square one. It’s infuriating and confusing the same time when I redo the whole process again. If only I can knock some sense in my sense then maybe, just maybe, it will understand not to go over the things and situations that cause me too much pain. But sadly, it didn’t. I even come to a point that I asked myself if was I a masochist to inflict the pain all over again or was I just plain stupid to go again for the second time around.

All of a sudden I realize something that change my perspective forever. It only take me time to realize to know myself deeply more than just the girl who wanted to be beauty and brains with a heart. I know deep inside I was born not to quit from anything as long as I can still fight and hold my ground. Those times I walked away mistaken me from giving up but I only take a break to breathe before starting it over again. After all, I can’t just give up and act like nothing happened. Everything cost a part or pieces of myself. Throwing something away from it might not make me a less worthy but still a less of me. Every failure and mistake took part on building the person that I am today. I learn every single day about myself and still be amaze to know more.

Everything boils down to one word: HOPE.

The fact that I still never completely walked away from those countless of times of self-doubt made hold on to a string of hope that I can still do better with it even if its a worst case scenario. Hope brings color and light when everything seems to be getting a bit of dull and black. It is hope that made me an optimist in everything. And hope brings back the faith to myself that I can be better even if I’m in worst.

Lastly, hope reminds me of God’s grace that everything will be alright and good as new if I put my trust in Him. He is God and He is Hope. After all, everything happens according to His purpose.

When a door closes, a new door opens again like hope reminding it is not yet the end of it.

Move forward, know yourself more and trust Our God because when there is a string of hope, there will be faith. May this blog post be a start of a journey to hope and have faith not just with ourselves but also to others and most importantly, to God. Let’s take a step together as I continue to seek for self-growth in both mentally and spiritually. I hope this will serve as an inspiration to continue to move forward and love yourself.

Game of Fake Feelings: Too good to be True

Fake

It was too good to be true.

One day you can’t stand around her even in a minute or two. The next day, you became clingy and can’t stand a chance not to be with her.

You said, “things change and you happened to be the few cases of love at first sight” Doubtful, she shrugged the thought and believe that maybe, just maybe, loving her is one of the magical things that life has to witness.

Unfortunately, life sometimes slaps you hard in reality. She thought she was the apple of his eyes without knowing there are other girls who fell in the same trap as her. Same scenario, same guy. A game that he masterfully performs well.

Not all too good to be true happened to be real sometimes it only sugarcoats the real deal of being fake. Feelings and attention too, are not an exception to the rule.

At first, they tend to make you feel special by giving all the attention but once you’re about to fall in their charms, they just leave you hanging with a broken heart. Sometimes, girls do this with guys too but in rare cases. I wonder why guys love to brag about getting a lot of girl’s attention at the same time without minding whether they hurt them.

In my country, Philippines, we labeled this people as “paasa” which means that they make you feel special and all the signs that he/she likes you are there then at the end, it just happened that it’s not what you think it is. They may tend to do it intentionally or not but one thing is for sure, you’re unfortunately mistaken signs that are clear enough to justify their actions. I’m not saying this is applicable to the whole population (Disclaimer alert).

As a girl who literally as one of the boys (because I’m the only girl out of 3 siblings of our family and most of my cousins are boys), I saw how complicated guys give signals for their feelings. Mind you, they’re like girls who can’t make up their minds, their hearts rather. I even told my brothers not to do things that will make girls (the one they are pursuing) expect something that they did not intend to do. They are as complicated as girls (that’s one reason why there is an existing blur line of gender equality).

I was really awaken from my daydream that guys are straightforward towards their intentions with girls. Sometimes, they unconsciously acted like girls who can’t make up there minds.

Well, this post is not to hate guys or whatever negative premise you can connect with it. This are just observations that I would like to share in connection with the game of fake feelings.

To the guys reading this one, do not pursue a girl if you’re not sure if you love her or like her. This may sound like a hopeless romantic but do us a favor not to undergo the process of moving-on for a guy who in the first place, does not have our heart. Stop doing collect and select girls because there’s always one girl in a million that is worth fighting for. Take your time if it’s her—your other half.